For Christmas I bought my girlfriend a matched set of pink-and-purple monkeys at ToysRUs. I thought they'd make a good gift because she likes purple and she likes monkeys.^1^ We named the pink one Gulab ("pink") and the purple one Jamun ("purple") and they quickly became an indispensible part of our household, participating in family rituals like "Law and Order: Criminal Intent" and "Law and Order: Special Victims Unit" and "Law and Order: Criminal Intent but with Jeff Goldblum."
Then a few days ago we were at the mall, so we popped into ToysRUs again to see what was new on the unnaturally-colored monkey front. This season they're showing eerie 3399FF monkeys. I picked one up and discovered the following Happy-Fun-Ball-esque sticker:
Warning: Contains lead. Maybe be harmful if chewed on. May also release dust that contains lead.
Presumably this describes my monkeys as well, as they appear to be the same species as the poisonous ones. The way I see it, there are two (non-exclusive) possibilities:
(a.) Gulab and Jamun contain trivial amounts of lead, and the stickers represent CPSIA-ish overcaution.\ (b.) Chinese people and/or ToysRUs are trying to kill me.
Alas, as many baby showers as I've ruined by using the traditional "wish the mom well" time for diatribes against Henry Waxman and the CPSC^2^, I can't rule out the second possibility.
Accordingly, Gulab and Jamun are going in the trash^3^.
Farewell, my deadly friends. We'll always have that episode where Jeff Goldblum matched his wits against those of a clever criminal and somehow came out on top.^4^
1. Technically, I'm the one who likes monkeys.
2. And also diatribes against circumcision, although those aren't particularly relevant to this story.
3. "Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting."\ "We never had a family meeting before..."\ "We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before."
4. By "always" I mean "until I die from lead poisoning."